I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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