it wasn't lemon gatorade
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
