Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
