i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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