I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
