I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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