he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
