So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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