Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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