I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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