Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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