The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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