he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When are your genitals available?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
