goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
