Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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