it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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