sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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