tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
