I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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