Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
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Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...