But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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