Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.