Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
