I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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