tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
