honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
