So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
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And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
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The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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