My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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