I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
3pm strippers are depressing
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
