Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
