Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
