My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
