dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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