Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
