if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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