did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
