Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
