I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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