you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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