I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.