I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
