Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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