the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
