Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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