Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
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You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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