I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
