i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Randomize
