he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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