Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.