I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
