Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
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I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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