If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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