I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
a search helicopter?!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
