Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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