I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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