pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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