Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
