His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
